realization

One realization I had recently came to me while being in a dance class. I observed myself finding the new choreography being difficult. Yes, observed.

This is how I experienced it at first: For no reason I suddenly became really angry, thinking the instructor did a really bad job creating a new choreography. It was boring, stupid, I wanted to quit, and by the way, all the other people in the class were idiots.

Why this sudden anger, that I by the way know has come to a lot of times before also?

This time was different though. After a moment I realized I am now observing this happening. And that makes a change because suddenly I could see that this reaction came from a feeling of not being able to master the choreography immediately.

After that time I keep observing this happening (also in other situations than dance classes). Because yes, it still happens, but as I am learning to identify the situations and just observe it happening, my reactions last shorter.

Maya,
Still learning.

the trap of thinking you are the only one

When thinking you are not the only one facing problems and negative situations, when thinking that you are really not that special in experiencing tough days, it all seems less bad. The voice in your mind screaming why-me-why-me will suddenly still.

M.

my true desires

How do I know that what I want is what I really want? That it is not something that follows me from my childhood or other times, things that I have picked up, about how I should be. How my life should be.

It seems like an hopeless task. No matter what I do it seems like I cannot figure out what I really want. It is strange, it feels hopeless. It cannot really be that hard, can it? I am scared that a lot of my choices are affected by what I think others' want me to do, and that I am somehow dependent of their confirmation.

I need to understand this better.

M.

ins:pired

Sometimes I feel so inspired that my whole body aches. This inspiration can come from a lot of things, but most likely it is coming from a person.
Someone with a story that is truly inspiring.

I have no idea how to use this energy and inspiration that comes to me. All I can do is lay back, listen to music and really savor the moment, the feelings, the shivers going through my body.

M.

that voice in the back of your mind

All day long, there is voice in the back of the mind, which gives reasoning for all decisions to be made, thoughts to be thought and emotions to be felt. It is making up excuses to justify whatever  comes along.

The clue, and the interesting part of this, is trying to observe that voice without acting on its demands. By doing this, the noise will disappear, and awareness and presence might become the result.

M.

life

I am that person

If I don't believe I am the person I want to be, how can I ever become like that? The responsibility is all on me. I am the only one who can make it happen. It is not like I do not like myself today, I just want to improve. I am that improved person.

M.

do less, do more

I am truly inspired by this when writing.

How often do you find yourself lacking motivation? Either you wake up in the morning or you're back from work, and you can't seem to do anything useful? You turn on the tv or you go through every webpage you know, updating Facebook every minute. I still do this (fortunately more rarely than earlier in my life) and I see friends doing this. Some friends of mine don't even see that as a problem. But still, I hear them complaining about days just passing by without them being able to do anything particular with them.

I try to not turn on the tv or update my Facebook page that often. I dance or do yoga, trying to feel my body presence through it all. I work with Red Cross to help kids with their homework. I read. I do laundry or clean up my apartment. I have tea with friends. I work 110%. I also take some extra education. I write. I drink water while looking out of the window for 30 minutes every morning, when the world is asleep. I work out several times a week.

People ask me, how do you have the time for all of this?  I say: how much time do you spend asleep or just laying on the couch, especially on your days off? How often do you watch tv? How often are you updating webpages to see if there is anything new? I mean, I still have times when I go back to these habits. And yes, I do think that a lot of it comes from habits, which luckily, can be changed.

I don't want my life to pass in just one big blur.

The article I started out with stated that one way of gaining motivation is to do less everyday. I agree if doing less means doing less of things that don't motivate you or benefit in other ways in your life. I did a lot and then I did less. Now I do more, because I have figured out excactly the things that gives me, and the people around me, a more meaningful life.

M.

is it worth it?

This weekend has been very relaxing, spending my time at a friend's house in the mountains going cross-country skiing and reading a lot. Still I've had this unsettling feeling in my stomach and the closer I get to Monday, the stronger this feeling becomes.

It is work. I have a huge load of work waiting for me this week, consisting of tasks I'm not even sure how to solve.

So, I do my morning ritual. But today is not a good day. Still,  it makes it all clearer what is important to me, that it is maybe not worth it. Not unless I change my attitude towards it all.

I feel this is the oh-so very common problem in today's society.

What can I do? I can remind myself what is important to me. I can also try to stay present, and this one I think is important. If I am able to stay present I can spend my time off work relaxing and focusing on other things, while I spend my time at the office beeing efficient and doing my best. It sounds so easy, but as my weekend shows, it is not.

When it comes to personal growth, I feel there are always more ways to grow. This stress is one important aspect I need to make some changes around. Still I feel lucky. I'm young and I think being so aware of things at my age, will be a huge advantage for the rest of my life. I am in the beginning of my career [and life] and I am still in the middle of developing the path I want to take.

M.

presence, now

I am always in the future. In my mind. It is a everyday struggle, to figure out how to not dream about the future all the time. I'm slowly getting better, as I can see what a waste of time it is always missing the presence.

This especially happens when it comes to love. I dream about a perfect partner that will make everything so good. It is pretty ironic, as I think this way of thinking has damaged some of my earlier relationships. 

The only one that really can make my life good, is myself. In the end, that is where I need to find my happiness and peace.

M.

w:rite

Just one sentence every day. Just one. Even though how bad you feel they are. Just keep writing. One day the words might make sense.

M.

channel the energy

Today I discovered perhaps the most important thing that I have learned during my recent personal growth. This new learning has really made an impact on what earlier would be some very tough situations. I have figured out how to channel the negative energy that comes through feelings as disappointment, jealousy [mostly rooted in being betrayed by a close one], frustration, sorrow and so on, into more positive energy. I exploit this energy and channel it into things as yoga, weightlifting and creative exploration [as writing].

The feeling when I realized this new ability of mine, was indescribable. It is a very healthy change. And yes, I always have the potential repression of feelings in the back of my mind, this is not the situtation here.

I am happy despite other people actions. My happiness is not that dependent on other people anymore. That gives me freedom.

M.

coffee

I keep struggling if I should drink
coffee, and I think of the negative versus the positive effects.

You have the fact that it makes me happy and more awake, combined with the social aspect and the fact that I really really enjoy it. Then you have the facts that it is some sort of drug and that I am addicted, which probably explains a lot of the positive effects I'm experiencing. 

What weighs the most?
Life is short. Should I enjoy coffee or enjoy life more natural? What is natural?

M.

when reading

Sometimes when reading a really good
book, I cannot make myself continue reading it.
The feelings are so strong. It is like there is
no hope in the world at the same time that everything feels possible.

M.

stop idealizing

I need to work on how to better understand others' personality type so that I can accurately balance their positive traits with their limitations, and then stop idealizing them.

It is strange how I often get disappointed when people in my life show me a side that doesn't fit my created vision of how they should be. This is very closely related to objectification. I put people in my life in certain categories as friend, mom or boyfriend, and these categories have certain characteristics. When a person's behavior deviates from the characeteristics of that person's category, it disturbs me.

I realize it is not very healthy.

M.

Should I?

I should eat healthy. I should go to the gym. I should meet new people. I should focus on my career. I should stay in my well paid job. I should invest my money in an apartment. I should save all my money so I can afford investing in an apartment.

Life consists of so many shoulds. A lot of the points in the paragraph above are things I want to do, for example eating healthy and going to the gym. Saving all my money to be able to invest in an apartment is on the other hand a should I have taken a stand against. In the culture I am from, people are so obsessed with the idea of owning a home, to the point where I just feel like screaming to their face; 'why are you sacrifising so much of your present life to be able to afford a future home?' I have other priorities right now.

The shoulds that I know I want or not want are easy to handle. The problem arises when I am not able to make the decision. This undecisiveness is present in the situation concerning my career. A career is something I am sure that I want, but not at what level or in what field. My ongoing career is interesting, for now, but I am not sure if I want to do this for the rest of my life.

When I imagine how a perfect day would look like it is about having a flexible schedule so that I can have long breakfasts some days while having an afternoon off other days. I need routines at certain times, while other days I just need to do what I want.

I want to write. I want to be better at writing. I want to dance. I want to enjoy a blue sky. I want to read. I want to be inspired. I want to inspire. I want to create.

Is this way of living impossible to combine with my present career? I am grateful that my job is giving me lots of opportunities these days, but how do I know if I really want them? I 'fear' that my career starts to take off to the point that it will eat my spare time that I am these days using as time to develop myself in a more spiritual and creative sense.

I do become more and more aware of what I actually want. I know I need my sometimes very long mornings consisting of meditation, yoga, breakfast, coffee, and writing. These days I am able to combine this with my job, so I think I am good for now. The day I need to sacrifice too much I might have to reconsider my direction in life. Today I am grateful for my safe job, providing me with funds so I can be as independent as I am.

If anyone has great ideas about how to choose direction and combining work and personal development, I'd love to hear them.

M.

experience the unpredictable

"Remember when you are present you are not only aware of reality, but become excited by all that you see and experience" (The Wisdom of the Enneagram, 47).

I try to live my life through experience. If things don't go as I want them to, or expect them to, which honestly happens a lot, I try to see it from another perspective than just getting upset or frustrated. You can not control how things are going to be. Also, just because you want something to be a certain way, that doesn't mean it is going to be like that (even though you can try to make your best for it to happen).

I was on my way to work. Sitting on the tram, the guy on the speakers said the power was out and that he didn't know when it would be back. My first reaction was this is so typically, it always happens to me. 

First of all; it doesn't always happen to me, this was the first time the power was out like this. Second, on my way to work, by feet instead, I also came to the realization that things like this can never be controlled and that distractions like this can always happen. How is the best way to handle that? By experience it as an uncertainty in life that you can surprisingly enjoy.

You never know what life will bring. Why don't we just embrace this uncertainty as something that can make us experience new, unforeseen situations everyday.

Suddenly I found myself walking through the city as it was waking up, breathing in the fresh crispy air. It was definitely a positive change from the usual packed tram.

M.

some days

Some days you cannot win. Because facing reality is too hard and being present is impossible.
For now.
I will win one day.

M.

how to make changes in your life

The key word is incremental changes. I tend to get very inspired and have so many ideas for changes I want implemented in my life. These are not necessarily big changes, but over a long time I think they will have a huge effect.

I want to start every morning by waking up early. I want the first thing I do to be drinking a big glass of water (natural detox). I don't want to start the day of by negative thoughts or distracting aspects as the Internet or the radio. I want to meditate. I want to do yoga. I want to write. And I want to have breakfast in silence, together with my cup of coffee. I also want to read something that inspires me.

This sounds like an awful lot to do before work at 8:30am, and also, it will be a big change compared to how my mornings usually are.

So I take this step by step.

I have started to wake up earlier so that I have more time before leaving to work, and I have managed to implement the glass of water. When it comes to the other things, I try my best do to them. But I do not give up if I am not able to one day. Two minutes of yoga is more than enough for me at this point. I adjust my expectations, knowing it will take time, especially as it is not just my morning routine that has the need for some change.

I do think I have a good life, so I have a very solid base for starting these changes. I am not unhappy. It's just that I have figured out ways to become more healthy, present and I think perhaps, even happier.

M.   

wisdom of the day

Daily I receive words of wisdom in my inbox. One of the recently ones stood out and it goes like this:

Ponder this universal truth: Without Presence, we are usually unaware of the negative results of our unconscious behavior. Becoming conscious entails becoming conscious of everything—the painful as well the pleasant, the dark as well as the light. (Understanding the Enneagram, 331)

When I am working with my presence, this is often one of the obstacles that I need to challenge. I am realizing that what is holding me back from being present all the time (among other things of course) is that being present also involves taking in all the negative aspects.

I used to be terrified of death. I spent the first 25 years of my life to deny its existence. So a year ago, when I started this journey I am on, the whole accepting death thing was extremely hard for me, to a point where I thought that maybe it was better to just stay where I was, pretty unaware, for the rest of my life. But I guess this is the thing with becoming aware. Once you know, you cannot forget. This implied that I no longer could deny it, and I think it took me about six months until I was able to accept death as a reality. Accepting that was probably the biggest jump in the right direction.

Now, being present involves other negative aspects showing up. And I still find myself taking the most comfortable way out, repressing it by focusing on activities where I no longer am here. But what surprises me is that whenever I do this now, I can immediately recognize the side effects which includes frustration, anger and feeling uncomfortable. This is pretty ironic as these might be the reactions I am trying to avoid by disappearing into unawareness.

Life can not always consist of the positive things. Running off into peaceful places with no conflicts, is not a long term solution. At least not for me.

M.

have you moved on or is it all repressed?

I struggle with this. Have I moved on or am I only repressing it all?
As I mentioned here I am a master in repressing my feelings. Earlier, I often found myself very angry and/or frustrated, without actually having a obvious reason for it. I read a lot about how our mind tends to work, and suddenly I was able to connect these negative reactions to certain situations or feelings.

The connections were so obvious that I am almost embarrassed. Also, the situations causing this repression were situations that naturally would (and should) affect me, so nothing wrong with having these emotions. The situations affecting me could be all from very trivial things to a more profound problem.

After this discovery, I am constantly aware of this. I recognize my reactions and I can almost immediately connect them to the source, and it reduces my anger and/or frustration.

This is really healthy and good progress for me.

But.. when do you know when you have moved on from a problem or situation instead of actually repressing it? I fear that I am still going back, exploring the negative feelings, just because I'm scared that I am repressing. Am I making sense? What I try to say is that sometimes I go back to the negative feelings when it is actually all unnecessary. I have moved on, I shouldn't go back. But I still do. Either consciously or unconsciously.

When is it healthy to go back and work more on the feelings? When is it time to just move on?

Maybe I just need time. Maybe I need to work even more on being aware of how my brain is working. I have had a tendency to focus on negative things, and I think it is often hard for me to let go. Letting go of certain feelings and situations, even though negative, often means letting go of the person behind that. Someone who you might have loved for a very long time.

M.

all the small things

We all hear from time to time, that the journey is life. It is not only the next party, the next date or the next vacation that counts. Don't get me wrong, I think having those things to look forward to is a great thing, but from my own experience I have seen how those future events can take up almost all of the space in my presence.

Whenever moving from A to B, let's say to work, I will put on music and always daydream about these events. But doing that, I am missing out on almost everything else going on around me; the people, the buildings, how the light reflects in the windows.

It hit me that I was missing out on so many beautiful aspects of life, either by taking them for granted or simply not being aware of their existence. So I am trying to change this.
It is not always easy, I have days when all I want is to listen to music and disappear into my daydreams, and I think that is ok. At least for now. This aspect of my life has been so strong for such a long time, so it will take time.

But I want to be able to just live in all moments. And maybe these daydreams will continue to be a part of my life, but I want them to be a smaller part. I want to be able to better enjoy my journey. Also, one issue with these daydreams, is the content of them. I have written here about how I create another reality in my mind. I can use these daydreams to imagining how my future planned (or unplanned) events will be, even adding very unlikely scenarios. And then, of course, I get disappointed as I created the possible situations and relationships in my mind.

So I have several reasons for wanting to reduce the amount of daydreaming, including changing its content. I want to be more present. And realistic.

Remember the small things in between.

M.

yoga in the morning and the night

It is freezing cold where I live at this time of year. Still, I try to do some yoga in the morning and in the evening. It is such a refreshing way to stretch my body, either to prepare it for a new day or to prepare it for sleep.

My purpose of this new routine is to be able to feel more close to my body and my surroundings during the day, and yoga puts me in this position. As I am still a newbie, it's hard to stay on this track all day and I tend to disappear into my mind and imagination, and time is just passing really fast, without me being able to take in what happens.

I read an interesting discussion yesterday about how one can never be anything else than present and that it is no point in ever trying to work on it. The argument went like this: someone asked how to when walking, walk and when eating, eat and the answers that came up were many, but the ones I noticed said that you could never do anything else but walk when walking so that you will always be present.

I would say that I disagree about this. I know how I can just escape into places in my mind without being aware of what I am actually doing, feeling or thinking. It's like I am on autopilot following my habits, some good and some not so healthy. Everytime I am able to shut off this autopilot and actually be more present and aware, I discover things that I could not have been discovering earlier.

Also, as I walk through the city streets, on my way to work, with a sunrise in the horizon, I can honestly admit: in the first 25 years of my life I never really knew how to appreciate it, if I even knew it was an option. I took it all for granted and I couldn't see the beauty in life.

Therefore, I think that one can work on one's presence. Also, I am using a daily yoga routine to help me on my way. It will take time and yoga will not be the only solution. But I love that it is all in progress.

M.

habits

Getting rid of old habits is really hard.

When I say habits I think of how my thoughts wander off by habit only. The same with my feelings. Why am I thinking or feeling like this, I often ask myself. I tend to create peaceful places in my mind, imagining things as I want them to be, until I actually think they are like that.

This often puts me in a situation where I get very disappointed. But it is not real disappointment in the sense that I just created it all in my mind. What actually disappoints me is that I continue to do this to myself.

Working towards become more present in life, mind and feelings will help solve this issue that I am struggling to overcome.

M.

body presence

Everyday I try to be more aware of my body,
as the first step in becoming more aware in life.

Everytime I take a deep breath, I try to pay attention to my toes, how they feel when I move them, I give attention to my whole body as one and see if I feel any tensions or pain.

I tend to forget from time to time, and I find myself in a very unaware state of mind, feeling disconnected from myself, my surroundings and our world. I am working on this, looking forward to the next steps in this transformation. This blog inspires me a lot, giving good tips on steps to become more aware.

M.

participation

"You will feel more open to the world as you become an active participant", said Dan Garner.

Very well said.

I tend to seek peace and no conflict in my life and everyday I challenge this tendency. I am on the right path, but it does take time. I guess patience is the key word.
I want to come to this state so that I can be more present in my life. Everyday I watch people not being present (including myself) and I wish (so much) that awareness was more common.

When I get closer, I will spread the word. Most likely by action, not words.

M.  

despite nothing

How can you be the best ? How can you be your best ?

Which one is the most important?

M.