tirsdag 26. februar 2013

presence, now

I am always in the future. In my mind. It is a everyday struggle, to figure out how to not dream about the future all the time. I'm slowly getting better, as I can see what a waste of time it is always missing the presence.

This especially happens when it comes to love. I dream about a perfect partner that will make everything so good. It is pretty ironic, as I think this way of thinking has damaged some of my earlier relationships. 

The only one that really can make my life good, is myself. In the end, that is where I need to find my happiness and peace.


onsdag 20. februar 2013


Just one sentence every day. Just one. Even though how bad you feel they are. Just keep writing. One day the words might make sense.


torsdag 14. februar 2013

channel the energy

Today I discovered perhaps the most important thing that I have learned during my recent personal growth. This new learning has really made an impact on what earlier would be some very tough situations. I have figured out how to channel the negative energy that comes through feelings as disappointment, jealousy [mostly rooted in being betrayed by a close one], frustration, sorrow and so on, into more positive energy. I exploit this energy and channel it into things as yoga, weightlifting and creative exploration [as writing].

The feeling when I realized this new ability of mine, was indescribable. It is a very healthy change. And yes, I always have the potential repression of feelings in the back of my mind, this is not the situtation here.

I am happy despite other people actions. My happiness is not that dependent on other people anymore. That gives me freedom.


onsdag 13. februar 2013


I keep struggling if I should drink
coffee, and I think of the negative versus the positive effects.

You have the fact that it makes me happy and more awake, combined with the social aspect and the fact that I really really enjoy it. Then you have the facts that it is some sort of drug and that I am addicted, which probably explains a lot of the positive effects I'm experiencing. 

What weighs the most?
Life is short. Should I enjoy coffee or enjoy life more natural? What is natural?


søndag 10. februar 2013

when reading

Sometimes when reading a really good
book, I cannot make myself continue reading it.
The feelings are so strong. It is like there is
no hope in the world at the same time that everything feels possible.


stop idealizing

I need to work on how to better understand others' personality type so that I can accurately balance their positive traits with their limitations, and then stop idealizing them.

It is strange how I often get disappointed when people in my life show me a side that doesn't fit my created vision of how they should be. This is very closely related to objectification. I put people in my life in certain categories as friend, mom or boyfriend, and these categories have certain characteristics. When a person's behavior deviates from the characeteristics of that person's category, it disturbs me.

I realize it is not very healthy.


Should I?

I should eat healthy. I should go to the gym. I should meet new people. I should focus on my career. I should stay in my well paid job. I should invest my money in an apartment. I should save all my money so I can afford investing in an apartment.

Life consists of so many shoulds. A lot of the points in the paragraph above are things I want to do, for example eating healthy and going to the gym. Saving all my money to be able to invest in an apartment is on the other hand a should I have taken a stand against. In the culture I am from, people are so obsessed with the idea of owning a home, to the point where I just feel like screaming to their face; 'why are you sacrifising so much of your present life to be able to afford a future home?' I have other priorities right now.

The shoulds that I know I want or not want are easy to handle. The problem arises when I am not able to make the decision. This undecisiveness is present in the situation concerning my career. A career is something I am sure that I want, but not at what level or in what field. My ongoing career is interesting, for now, but I am not sure if I want to do this for the rest of my life.

When I imagine how a perfect day would look like it is about having a flexible schedule so that I can have long breakfasts some days while having an afternoon off other days. I need routines at certain times, while other days I just need to do what I want.

I want to write. I want to be better at writing. I want to dance. I want to enjoy a blue sky. I want to read. I want to be inspired. I want to inspire. I want to create.

Is this way of living impossible to combine with my present career? I am grateful that my job is giving me lots of opportunities these days, but how do I know if I really want them? I 'fear' that my career starts to take off to the point that it will eat my spare time that I am these days using as time to develop myself in a more spiritual and creative sense.

I do become more and more aware of what I actually want. I know I need my sometimes very long mornings consisting of meditation, yoga, breakfast, coffee, and writing. These days I am able to combine this with my job, so I think I am good for now. The day I need to sacrifice too much I might have to reconsider my direction in life. Today I am grateful for my safe job, providing me with funds so I can be as independent as I am.

If anyone has great ideas about how to choose direction and combining work and personal development, I'd love to hear them.


onsdag 6. februar 2013

experience the unpredictable

"Remember when you are present you are not only aware of reality, but become excited by all that you see and experience" (The Wisdom of the Enneagram, 47).
I try to live my life through experience. If things don't go as I want them to, or expect them to, which honestly happens a lot, I try to see it from another perspective than just getting upset or frustrated. You can not control how things are going to be. Also, just because you want something to be a certain way, that doesn't mean it is going to be like that (even though you can try to make your best for it to happen).

I was on my way to work. Sitting on the tram, the guy on the speakers said the power was out and that he didn't know when it would be back. My first reaction was this is so typically, it always happens to me. 

First of all; it doesn't always happen to me, this was the first time the power was out like this. Second, on my way to work, by feet instead, I also came to the realization that things like this can never be controlled and that distractions like this can always happen. How is the best way to handle that? By experience it as an uncertainty in life that you can surprisingly enjoy.

You never know what life will bring. Why don't we just embrace this uncertainty as something that can make us experience new, unforeseen situations everyday.

Suddenly I found myself walking through the city as it was waking up, breathing in the fresh crispy air. It was definitely a positive change from the usual packed tram.


lørdag 2. februar 2013

some days

Some days you cannot win. Because facing reality is too hard and being present is impossible.
For now.
I will win one day.


fredag 1. februar 2013

how to make changes in your life

The key word is incremental changes. I tend to get very inspired and have so many ideas for changes I want implemented in my life. These are not necessarily big changes, but over a long time I think they will have a huge effect.

I want to start every morning by waking up early. I want the first thing I do to be drinking a big glass of water (natural detox). I don't want to start the day of by negative thoughts or distracting aspects as the Internet or the radio. I want to meditate. I want to do yoga. I want to write. And I want to have breakfast in silence, together with my cup of coffee. I also want to read something that inspires me.

This sounds like an awful lot to do before work at 8:30am, and also, it will be a big change compared to how my mornings usually are.

So I take this step by step.

I have started to wake up earlier so that I have more time before leaving to work, and I have managed to implement the glass of water. When it comes to the other things, I try my best do to them. But I do not give up if I am not able to one day. Two minutes of yoga is more than enough for me at this point. I adjust my expectations, knowing it will take time, especially as it is not just my morning routine that has the need for some change.

I do think I have a good life, so I have a very solid base for starting these changes. I am not unhappy. It's just that I have figured out ways to become more healthy, present and I think perhaps, even happier.