When I am working with my presence, this is often one of the obstacles that I need to challenge. I am realizing that what is holding me back from being present all the time (among other things of course) is that being present also involves taking in all the negative aspects.Ponder this universal truth: Without Presence, we are usually unaware of the negative results of our unconscious behavior. Becoming conscious entails becoming conscious of everything—the painful as well the pleasant, the dark as well as the light. (Understanding the Enneagram, 331)
I used to be terrified of death. I spent the first 25 years of my life to deny its existence. So a year ago, when I started this journey I am on, the whole accepting death thing was extremely hard for me, to a point where I thought that maybe it was better to just stay where I was, pretty unaware, for the rest of my life. But I guess this is the thing with becoming aware. Once you know, you cannot forget. This implied that I no longer could deny it, and I think it took me about six months until I was able to accept death as a reality. Accepting that was probably the biggest jump in the right direction.
Now, being present involves other negative aspects showing up. And I still find myself taking the most comfortable way out, repressing it by focusing on activities where I no longer am here. But what surprises me is that whenever I do this now, I can immediately recognize the side effects which includes frustration, anger and feeling uncomfortable. This is pretty ironic as these might be the reactions I am trying to avoid by disappearing into unawareness.
Life can not always consist of the positive things. Running off into peaceful places with no conflicts, is not a long term solution. At least not for me.